The Battle

Sometimes I wish it didn't take so much thinking to continue living.

 I have never read the book, although I would love to with the title Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti, but that is exactly how I felt tonight; like spaghetti. Mike and I were discussing just some things going on with work and about our future and dreams and I felt like my mind was going a zillion different places. My poor husband was just silent listening to my mouth move in all directions. I think I told him 10 times that I wasn't trying to be "selfish" when I talked about future wants. I felt guilty saying some of the things I wanted. My mind was spaghetti! It was in a constant battle between what I thought God would want me to want, and what the worldly me wanted. Am I making any sense? Seriously spaghetti brain here!

So my battle is this: If I had a million dollars, no we'll say MILLIONS, what would I do with it? I was talking about getting family members out of debt, paying for friends vacations, paying for friends dinners out, buying friends and family in need the car of their dreams, buying us a car, buying us a vacation, buying only organic food and fresh produce. My brain was thinking of getting our family members close to retirement to retire, and fulfilling some of our loved one's dreams. I of course threw in some of my wants as well.

SO where was the battle you ask? Well I was frustrated with myself for wanting millions of dollars, because I don't want to be a lover of money. I was frustrated that I was even wasting time thinking about what I would do with a million dollars. I was frustrated that I am not content with all of my blessings today. I was frustrated because I don't ever want my husband to feel he doesn't provide enough. I was frustrated because if I die tomorrow I really don't want God saying Sarah you had it all wrong. God calls us to be generous no matter how little or how much we have. So while I am wasting my time thinking about the millions of dollars that may or may not be in my future, and what I would be doing with said dollars, God is calling me to give today. Even though I may not be able to buy everyone I know and love a brand new car of their dreams, I can buy them coffee. Even though I cannot afford to buy everyone's dinner every time we go out, I can invite others into my home and serve them what we eat. Even though I cannot give millions to the charity of my choice, I can show up. Even though I think my plan of saving everyone from every problem they have with this miraculous money is a pretty good plan; God has his OWN plan that is GREAT. And as much as I would selfishly want to be the provider of all things cool and BIG. God is the ONLY provider we need. And I never want to try and compete with the one who can do the impossible.

So once again, my mind was at battle. But I thank God that I can go to bed with peace knowing the Creator of all Things lovely is my provider and loves me beyond my spaghetti brain.